Random Bits 8
by Nashiil
Summary: Rewitten Chapter 2! A day spent exploring turns into a nightmare when Wakka aquires a new friend only he doesn't know it. Will he ever meet it? Read and find out!
1. Chapter 1

Yay! I finally got RB 8 written. I apologize for the long delay, but finals and two karate belt tests (I got my yellow and organe belts!) really hampered progress. For all the stress I was under, I think this one came out pretty good! Let me know what you think!!**

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****Random Bits 8**

Chapter 1

Setting: Another boring afternoon in Besaid. Our heroes are exploring a cave.

**Besaid Island**- The vanquishers of Sin are vanquishing their boredom by exploring a cave near the outskirts of the village. Its been pretty dull so far, but caves tend to harbor certain inhabitants that find Island life boring as well.

Yuna noticed the thin pair of antennae waving over the top of Wakka's head.

"Wakka," she said helpfully. "You've got a bug in your hair." The effect of this simple statement was phenomenal. The retired blitzball captain made a sound that was humorously close to a 'girly' shriek, and executed a frantic dance of terror while slapping his head and chanting the traditional litany of "Get it off! Get it off!"

The red-haired Guardian finally paused for a breath, twisting around to expose his back to his companions.

"Did I get it? Is it gone?" he quavered, eyes wide with nervous hope. His companions stood frozen in tight-lipped, white-faced horror. Wakka suddenly felt like he had walked into a wax museum, or a group of explorers faced with a carnivorous reptile that relied on sight based hunting techniques.

In compliance with the rules of the classic horror flick, the bug was still there _and_ it was huge. It was a hugbug that was clinging serenely to Wakka's back. How anyone could not feel a walking stick the size of a full grown man clinging to their back was inconceivable.

Auron gave Kimahri a helpless look. The hulking Ronso shrugged and silently shook his head.

"Uh...Wakka," Tidus began. Yuna squeezed his hand and silently shook her head. "Yeah, its...gone." the boy finished.

Wakka relaxed, slumping with relief, which did not seem to disturb his passenger at all. "Lets get out of here, ya?" he said after a brief respite where Pride helped Ego pick up the shattered remains of Dignity. With the danger over, he bravely led the party through the cave and back to the outside world. As they walked down Waterfall Way, Wakka suddenly found himself walking ahead of his friends. A quick glance over his shoulder revealed that they were walking at what was suspiciously close to a 'safe distance'. For some reason they all looked constipated.

_Probably not enough fiber and too much excitement. _Wakka thought He was inexplicably tired by the time he and his companions reached the village. He couldn't possibly be getting old, and he surely wasn't gaining weight. That was impossible. He was in the best shape of his life, not a trace of fat. Fat? What fat? That's all muscle... The dust bunny in his mind sneezed and the thought petered out.

The dust bunny was quickly distracted by a new thought that managed to escape the all consuming vortex that stood in place of an actual brain. "Hey. Lets get something to eat!"

"Sure." Yuna replied calmly, the only one brave enough to speak. She suppressed a shudder as the hugbug helpfully pushed aside the tent flap as Wakka entered. He didn't even notice. Yuna bravely followed and since a Guardian's job is to protect the Summoner, her friends were forced to follow.

Wakka was almost as hungry halfway through dinner as he was before. For some reason his food seemed to vanish in the space between his plate and his mouth. Oh well, at least he hadn't spilled anything on himself for once. He could have sworn he'd dropped a carrot slice, but when he looked it was gone.

Auron and the rest of his companions sat in morbid fascination as their uninvited dinner guest helped itself to Wakka's plate. No one had much of an appetite, so they watched silently as the bug-fiend used its thin legs to pluck up every dropped morsel, and whatever it could reach from Wakka's fork. The Auroch captain continued eating in blissful ignorance.

Tidus (who had drawn the short straw again) was sitting next to the red-haired blitzball captain, watching helplessly as his plate was hooked by an insectile claw and dragged away. Wakka blinked as a fresh plate appeared in front of him. He looked up adoringly at Lulu, eyed brimming with gratitude. "Thanks Lu, you're the best!" he exclaimed.

"You're...welcome." the Black Mage replied hesitantly, rigid with disgust, watching as the fiend began helpfully shoveling food into its host's mouth.

"Hey Kimahri," Wakka mumbled around a tuber, having noticed that the Ronso had not touched his food. (The others had wisely put very little on their plates and were using the age-old techniques of 1) dumping uneaten food into a handy potted plant, 2) putting it on someone else's plate, and 3) moving it around the plate to give it that picked over look. Kimahri had fallen victim to technique number 2.)

"You gonna eat or what?"

The Ronso hissed at him and glared. Wakka shrugged and wiped his mouth, although he didn't remember doing it. "Anyone up for a game of cards after dinner?" he asked, eager to dispel the odd tension.

The Islander was getting the strangest feeling that his friends didn't want to be around him. Scanning the table, he took in the strained expressions and the large gaps to either side of him, and began to wonder if their digestive systems were capable of handling Lulu's Spicy Stuffed Funguar. They probably didn't want to appear rude by increasing the amount of methane gas in the air with their hosts present. Wakka didn't care. He and Chappu used to conduct mini concerts for Lulu after each meal years ago. (Lulu didn't mind because after living with Wakka for so long her olfactory receptors had long been burned away.)

"No thanks." said Auron quickly. "I have to bug...uh...bugger off." Wakka looked around in confusion as the rest of his companions also made hasty excuses. That was fine. Tidus cheated (using the reflective properties of Auron's sunglasses to see everyones cards), the girls couldn't play right to save their lives, and Kimahri tended to flip the table over when he started losing.

Wakka pushed himself to his feet and began clearing the table. Rikku stifled a whimper as a spindly leg waved out from behind the Islander's back. The segmented appendage tapped around the table like a blind man searching for the toilet paper in a public restroom, snatched up the Al Bhed girl's plate and added it to the stack in Wakka's hand. "Thanks Rikku." he said distractedly, trying to juggle two mugs with only one hand and luck.

The former blitzball captain turned around to place the dishes in the wash basin, giving the remaining Guardians the perfect view as the hugbug shoved a hooked claw up the man's nose and began an involved excavation. Wakka did not even notice because 1) his mind ran on auto pilot when he did any kind of household chore, and 2) he picked his nose all the time anyway. The spindly leg withdrew and brought the viscous contents up to the fiend's mouth parts so it could sample its prize.

Yuna let out a startled cry of "Holy Yevon!!" and suddenly found herself the center of attention. The pest free Guardians froze stiff with tension, each wondering how the girl was going to get herself out of this one without telling Wakka that he had a nearly six foot long bug on his back. The young Summoner experienced a brief moment of panic as brain cells scattered in search of a decent lie.

Without missing a beat Yuna smoothly responded, "Bless Lulu for cooking this wonderful meal!" The blessing was met with a resounding cheer that rang with the sour note of tension.

"Yeah, thanks Lu!" Wakka exclaimed, bounding up to give her a hug.

Lulu's eyes widened in horror at the sight of Wakka bearing down on her, the hugbug's head rearing up over his shoulder. She shot Yuna glare so sharp that several dust motes were sliced in half on its way to the Summoner. The color drained from Lulu's face as the man nearly tackled her to the floor, yet she somehow resisted the overwhelming urge to fling him away as three extra pairs of limbs patted her shoulders and waved around her head. It was the longest five seconds of her life, but time enough to develop weeks of nightmares and an intense hatred for anything remotely insectile.

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Is it just me, or did Tidus actually make it through a few adventures without mentioning 'knockers'?! Here's a little challenge for those of you who have read A Random Adventure, and the Random Bits Series: How many times does Tidus make a reference to 'knockers'? You won't win any kind of prize, just my eternal admiration! 


	2. Chapter 2

Okay. Here is the better Chapter 2! I changed the ending, so if you have already read this one, scroll down to check out the new ending. I hope it is a little better than the last one!

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Chapter 2

**Besaid**- Lulu's House- Yuna and company are still trying to decide what to do about Wakka's hitchhiker and may have finally come up with a plan.

"Oh...I'll be right back." Wakka muttered hastily as Nature didn't just call, but shouted loudly in his ear and rang the bell marked 'Urgent'. The tension ran out of the room like three pints of beer through a drunk as soon as Wakka left the tent.

"That was so gross!" Rikku hissed, "Somebody has to tell him!"

"We can't, he'll totally freak." Tidus moaned quietly, in case his red-haired friend was still with in earshot.

It always happens. Start talking about someone and they come skipping around the corner. They also like to walk back into the room or you find them standing outside the door...listening. After that you can expect days of guilt, cold stares, glares, and the occasional bag of fresh or flaming animal excrement smeared down your front door. (The animal it comes from is proportional to what was said).

"Kimahri think friends should use ancient Ronso way to solve problem." The big blue humanoid rumbled, crossing his arms.

"And what's that?" Auron asked, even though he already knew the answer.

"Kimahri smash with fist."

"How about we ignore it and hope like the Farplane that it gets bored and...falls off." Lulu volunteered. She didn't want to endure months of dealing with Wakka running around screaming everytime something crawled or buzzed past him.

"You mean do nothing?" Tidus asked, wandering into the conversation late. He had been preoccupied with watching a bead of sweat make its slow, inexorable way down Lulu's chest. It brought back memories of Bevelle where he had been in a similar situation with a statue. Auron administered the Hand of Common Sense (which was a lot like the Hand of Justice, only with and upward flick of the wrist at the end) to the back of the boy's head.

Out in the night darkened jungle, some ways from the village, Wakka finished leaving Nature a little something to deal with (and a hapless explorer to step in later). As he cast around for a leaf or strip of bark, cursing under his breath, a large palm leaf appeared in his field of vision.

"Thank Yevon!" he moaned in gratitude as he put the leaf to good use. He turned to thank the good Samaritan, but there was no one there.

"You all going to bed already?" Wakka asked as he returned to his house to find his leaving. In fact they seemed to be scattering. There was a chorus of 'yeses'.

"You guys don't want to play a quick game of Sphere Break?"

"No. Thank you," Auron muttered hastily. "I have to ...um... go perform some secret Unsent...ritual. Later!"

"I've got to wash my hair!" Rikku squeaked.

"Well, how about Yevon Proclaims? Tangler? Oligopoly? Hexapods? Remorse? Oh! I got it! Homicide in the Night!" An electric shiver crackled up his friends' spines at the vision of encountering Wakka and his hitchhiker while playing Homicide in the Night in a pitch black tent.

"Kimahri take Yuna to tent. _Now_." That left Lulu and Tidus fidgeting in nervous dread in the center of the floor.

"Don't you dare leave!" Lulu, who lived with Wakka and therefore could not escape, hissed fiercely at Tidus.

"Uh..." Tidus replied. "uh...What's that? Coming mother!" he shouted, running off into the safety of darkness, head down and legs pumping like pistons, without a backwards glance.

"You..." here Lulu switched to a Guado phrase that roughly translated to "(One who is severely lacking in courage and is of uncertain parentage!)... Your mother's dead!" she snarled after him.

"I guess everyone's wiped out from exploring, ya?" Wakka commented, the little dust bunny in his mind repeatedly hitting itself over the head with a rubber mallet. "Guess I'll go to bed too."

Wakka rolled onto his stomach, wondering why the mattress felt so lumpy. (Okay, more lumpy than usual because straw, grass, and down stuffed mattresses can only get so smooth. Hey bunching happens.) Pondering this was enough to send the Aurochs Captain drifting off to sleep. During his last moments consciousness the blanket was tugged up over his shoulders and his hair was patted. "Thanks, Lu." Wakka mumbled.

Lulu spent two full hours staring expectantly at the hugbug. The unsuspecting fiend waved its antennae t her mockingly. The older girl had been seriously considering the insecticide properties of Flare. It wasn't like she couldn't toss a phoenix down on Wakka afterwards, of course she would have to rebuild her house. For now she was biding her time and waiting for Nature to run its course. Which come to think of it should be any time now….

The fiend looked at the Black Mage with growing unease as a malicious grin crawled slowly across her face. It didn't need words, being one of those grins that spoke for itself. This one said 'Haha. Nasty things are about to happen to you, and the best part is that you don't have a clue'. Ghastly possibilities surrounding the cause of the evil smile were looming up from the depths of Imagination when a rank odor filled the air. The fiend thrashed around as it found itself in the center of a miasma that smelled strongly of colon and the by-products of intestinal irritation due to the digestion of spicy foods.

This was what the Black Mage had been waiting for. Completely unaffected by the horrendous smell, Lulu hopped off the bed and went in search of her best skillet while the hugbug threw itself off the bed and attempted to locate an exit. The last thing the hugbug saw was Lulu standing over it, brandishing an iron skillet, and wearing a horrible grin.

The sounds of cracking exoskeleton echoed briefly in the night as Lulu made the island a slightly safer place to live

End.

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Thanks for reading! Let me know what you think! By the way, you guys would tell me if I ever had a hugbug in my back, wouldn't you? 


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